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05/19/2025

Today’s blog

Lynn Murphy Mark

1985

Next month, on Friday, June 13, my youngest born will turn 40. I can’t emphasize enough how surprised I am that my children will be “in their 40’s”. It was only yesterday that they were little kids and life was all about caring for their precious selves and watching them grow into really good people. 

One of my sorrows is that they took my advice about how travel is the best education, and how leaving home is an adventure worth taking. I remember when Jackie left the USA for Berlin to live out her Fulbright Scholarship year. As we watched her walk down the hall to her flight, her Stepmom, Diane, commented that Jackie was braver than she ever was. They both have done a fair amount of traveling, especially Jackie. Anyway, my sorrow is a selfish one – they live far away, one on each coast.

But turning 40? I don’t think Ted is too excited either. Sarah has planned some surprises for him that should make the occasion pretty special. No spoiler alert here. It will all remain under wraps until it happens. 

The two of them have been together for at least 18 years, minus one year when they took a hiatus from each other. I am eternally grateful that they are together. Being in their presence is soul-affirming because it’s so obvious how much they love each other and are committed to one another. It is a great comfort to me being so far away and pretty distanced from their everyday lives. 

Ted was a curly-haired toddler. This many years later there is still some curl left on his head. He was only two when his father and I divorced. He grew up traveling between two homes and life was one big exercise in making sure that the right stuff got to the right house on the right days. Now his house is very well organized, with a particular place for each possession. Both he and Sarah are into neat environments and live comfortably in a small apartment in Korea Town, Los Angeles. 

Although Ted has never taken the Enneagram test I have done what we’re not supposed to do. I’ve studied the Enneagram enough to know a little about each personality type so I have concluded that he is a “5” on this 9 point personality chart. A 5 is known as “The Investigator”. This is a person who has a rich inner mental realm who reaches feeling through thought processes. Fives are information junkies who love knowledge and seek expertise and mastery. He is a person who “Prepares and Reviews”, preparing for an event before then analyzing it afterward. Fives tend to be minimalists, which I would have to say is how Ted prefers to live. 

While he is tenderhearted, he is also able to withdraw into a mental realm where he finds respite from the world. He and Sarah are perfectly content to live as much off the grid as they can when they are home. Neither one of them is especially fond of their telephones.

My Enneagram ap tells me a lot more about each personality type. There is a section for “tips” for being in the company of type 5. As I read through the tips I can check off how many fit Ted. He is objective, precise and thorough. He develops in-depth mastery and has a love of learning – hence is lengthy pursuit of a PhD in the heady realm of philosophy. He has been a deep thinker since early childhood.

One night during the first Gulf War, I was tucking him in. He was five at the time. The news was filled with reports of burning oil wells over there and there was some concern that oil might be scarce that winter. Ted was very worried about people who would need oil for heat. As I knelt by his bed he asked me, “Why is it that most people feel things at the top of their hearts and I feel things all the way at the bottom of mine?” 

That kind of question requires an answer. All I could say at the time was that he had been given a gift, one that might hurt sometimes. I told him that he would be able to be a compassionate, helpful person, and that would make all the difference. I was not wrong on that night 35 years ago.