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lynnmurphymark

Life on life’s terms

Much later in my life I began to write, first by journaling, then by writing two books, and now by writing a blog. I am in my mid-70’s and still working on becoming a better citizen of this world. I love observing life each day and putting my thoughts about the day in writing. I find people fascinating and do most of my writing about the people I encounter. I write this blog mostly about life on life’s terms. Every day there is a new experience to be had.
  • lynnmurphymark

    Today’s blog

    March 5, 2025

    Lynn Murphy Mark

    Another transition

    The other day I asked my Prayer Chaplain group to pray for a friend close to leaving this earth, and to pray for her daughter and the four women who were holding the high watch at her house. My friend had fought – and I mean that literally – her cancer for over five years. It was not an easy journey for her or for the people who love her. Chemotherapy played havoc with her systems and she had to have several rounds just to keep the tumors under some kind of control. 

    While she lived with the cancer she moved several times. Once to California, and then to two places in Colorado. It seemed to me that she might have been trying to outrun her disease. I know she left a cadre of close friends behind when she moved away from Santa Fe. These women are the same ones that stepped up time after time to help in any way they could. They helped her move, they visited as often as possible, they offered support in a thousand different ways to her and her partner. And, at her end, some stayed by her bedside.

    I did not know her that well. But a couple of years ago she published a book of poems and I found out more about her in those pages than I ever did in her company. I keep that little book close by and have quoted from it at several meetings. My favorite poem is called “Light Bearers”. Here it is:

    “Live more fully, she said,

    Audacious, dynamic light-bearers that you are

    And always have been.

    The time is now,

    The day is here, the moment

    Has arrived, your transformation

    Stands boldly before you,

    Beckoning you to open doors and

    Windows long shuttered and bolted

    By doubts and fears.

    Ride on the waves that take us out to sea,

    And know that you

    Are one with every drop in the ocean, 

    Every molecule of sky and air,

    Each current of wind that encircles you with 

    The spirit of truth and wisdom.

    Fear does not live in these

    Environs, this domain of reality

    Calling us.

    A union that cannot be divided,

    A purpose unlimited and 

    Infinite.”

    Her book has thirty-six poems. Through them she brings her spirituality to life as she exposes emotions and beliefs full circle in her writing, spread truthfully across the pages. I have to believe that writing this book had to be a catharsis for her – there is too much of her personal beliefs contained within. In another poem she writes, 

    “Spontaneous words fall out on the page

    And energize me.

    I am exalted and transported to a place far

    Away from searching and struggle.”

    One of my friends texted me from her bedside. “She’s gone”, were the two words that came to me – sad but not unexpected. That a simple phrase captures the essence of a transition. She’s gone from sight, her voyage on this blue planet at an end. Free from illness and pain and discomfort, she takes with her all the love that surrounds her in so many hearts.

  • lynnmurphymark

    03/04/2025

    Today’s blog

    Lynn Murphy Mark

    “Oh-oh, she’s mad now”

    That little phrase bubbles up from memories of when the kids were growing up. They were easy and wonderful to raise – mostly. But sometimes my last nerve would be way too frayed and, from the little store of anger that I carry, out would come some angry expression. Most of the time it was appropriate, but I can have a short temper sometimes. Out come words in that angry tone. Words that I usually regret afterwards. 

    I have learned to moderate my anger in my old age. My 12 Step groups help me with this. In particular, Step 10: “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.”. Sometimes, though, outside circumstances stir up my sense of injustice, and disgust forms quickly. 

    This started last night as I broke my vow to boycott MSNBC and watched the Rachel Maddow Show. She has a way of succinctly stating issues and their consequences. She was off and running about this administration’s cuts to essential services and programs. 

    As of this weekend aid to Ukraine is held mostly in an effort to force the Ukrainians to concede whatever 47 and Putin have agreed on.

    Thankfully, many countries in Europe have realized that the USA is not to be counted upon and have lined up behind President Zelenskyy. Lech Walesa, the President of Poland, wrote a strongly worded letter to 47 condemning his obvious support of Russia’s desires for control of Ukraine. I read a statement from a European statesperson saying that the USA is no longer the leader of the free world. 

    I have read theories that 47 has been a Russian asset since he has been manipulated by Putin for years. For the promise of building some 47 towers in Russia, he kowtows to a leader that is no more than a war criminal himself. Cybersecurity efforts to track Russian invasion of our freedoms have been halted. I have nothing against the Russian people – they are led by Putin who is trying to restore the magnificence of the Soviet Union, or should I say the Soviet Empire. But I am extremely angry that republicans are condoning this. I wonder how such a massive lack of spinal integrity has taken over congress. 

    Yesterday I got the usual happyhappyjoyjoy message from my congressional representative, Ann Wagner. She and my two senators have drunk the Kool-aid and have lined up behind 47 like lemmings headed on a suicidal mission. That, by the way, is a myth. I wish our current congress was a myth as well. 

    I am tired of waking up and asking myself what comrade 47 has screwed with today. The dismantling of USAID, the gutting of the NIH and NOAA, and now withholding aid to Ukraine, have proven to be too much for me. I am also pretty sure that my legal marriage to Jan will soon be called in question. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop when it comes to funding Legal Services where we take care of the sort of people that this administration despises.  As I think of these things I can physically feel the ire rising from the middle of me. The problem is that at the moment I have nowhere to go with it other than to join a protest and hold up a sign.

    Yesterday I got the weekly tip sheet from a respected source of immigration law information. “On February 25 US Citizenship and Immigration Services announced a new policy requiring all immigrants to register with the government.” (CLINIC – Catholic Legal Immigration Network, Inc.). In 1938 Germany, the Nazi’s made it a requirement for Jews to register their properties so they could more easily be conscripted by the regime. I used to think something like that would not happen in the United States. I know differently now.

    I think my anger is stoked because I feel helpless. I can, and do, call my congresspeople’s offices. I know damn well they have no interest in my position and obviously are 47’s cheerleaders. As I type this my hands are a little shakier than usual. I hate the fact that these buffoons take up so much room in my head that I find it difficult to follow my own advice to do everything I can to not lose heart. I have some hope that we can change things with the 2026 elections. But I am also astounded at how much damage 47 has done in less than two months in office. We may not have two years to fix anything.

  • lynnmurphymark

    Today’s blog

    03/03/2025

    Lynn Murphy Mark

    A golden thread

    In 1958 folk singer and activist Pete Seeger wrote a simple song that carried a sweet message: “Oh, had I a golden thread, and a needle so fine, I would weave a magic spell of rainbow design.”  He also recorded the hymn, “We shall overcome”. It became an iconic civil rights anthem.

    I first heard “golden thread” sung by Eva Cassidy, a songbird who made her transition at age 33, taken down by melanoma. A few decades ago, Katie introduced me to her. Katie heard her on a radio station, was taken by her clear, pure voice, and told me to look into her music. Not only did I look and listen, I was completely taken. Today I have a collection of three of her albums released after her untimely death.

    Eva Cassidy was a shy person and had to overcome her nerves each time she appeared to perform.  The magazine, Jazz Times, says this: “Cassidy was no diva, she didn’t overload the songs with vocal gymnastics and stratospheric notes. Quite the opposite, she detached the songs from their genre associations so each became a kind of folk-blues-jazz hybrid. She pared them down to their emotional core… As important as her calm, unfussy phrasing was the tone of her mezzo voice – so glowing and disarming that she seemed to be confiding in each individual listener.” 

    Yesterday I was at my weekly meeting. It has become a gem in my self-care jewelry box and I consider my companions to be a family of sorts. We are all gathered with the intention of improving ourselves and the hope that we each will make a difference in our respective worlds. 

    Every week we have a visitor or two. Sometimes it’s a person newly on a recovery track. Yesterday’s meeting was attended by a first-timer. I watched him as he appeared to absorb what people were saying – he looked very carefully at each speaker and nodded his head sometimes. We had a couple of visitors from other meetings who pledged to come back next week. 

    We are an unusual looking family. There is no resemblance among our physical features but we are brothers and sisters all the same. It is a meeting where sharing “experience, strength, and hope”  with each other is mostly the point. It is a place where all are accepted, regardless of circumstances. To quote another folk song, “you don’t need a ticket just to get on board”. Getting on board may be the greatest challenge someone has faced. There is no better, safer place to expose our inner workings, our troubles, and our triumphs.

    We are each held safely by the structure of a series of life-saving steps. The readings are the same every meeting and I have almost memorized some of them. The words are encouraging and hopeful, but there is definitely work involved to achieve them. There is an expectation that we will look at ourselves honestly and dispense with the behaviors we used to cover our afflictions. Part of the process is to give away the secrets that bind us so tightly. There is no better place to get out of harm’s way. There is no better place to feel a change coming over me.

    Yesterday our meeting was a mixture of the usual folks, some visitors, and a couple of new people. We come in all shapes and sizes. I looked around the room when the meeting was almost over and felt the presence of a “golden thread” reaching from heart to heart in that room. Eva Cassidy’s voice singing the song echoed in my musical midbrain and I know there is a precious connection with each person in the room. 

  • lynnmurphymark

    03/02/2025

    Today’s blog – Lynn Murphy Mark

    The spaghetti factory

    This is not a blog about cooking, although I live with Jan who is a super spaghetti sauce cook. She puts a few ingredients together and out comes a savory sauce that has been popular with anyone who has ever sampled it. I hope she makes some soon. 

    The spaghetti reference is to a somewhat sloppy technique to see if the pasta is fully cooked. Who has not thrown a loop of spaghetti against a wall to see if it sticks? If the pasta doesn’t adhere to the wall then it needs a few more minutes of boiling. That’s an urban legend anyway. Turns out you can have a piece of pasta with a sticky exterior and an uncooked interior that might stay on a wall for a nanosecond before it lands on the floor. Not a very efficient test after all.

    Instead, the reason for mentioning pasta at all is that we are right here, right now, living with an administration that is creating serious trouble every day. As an idea is brought forth, it is thrown out to us to see what will stick. A few items have raised such a ruckus that the administration has withdrawn the idea. Like the whole tariffs on Mexico and Canada, for example. Much bluster and bravado accompanied 47’s announcement. When he got what he ”wanted” from our neighboring countries he backed down – for now. This is a typical bullying tactic. I foresee that this will continue until our presence in the global community is vastly altered, and not in a good way.

    As for president musk’s takeover of the various government departments, apparently this is just the beginning. According to Heather Cox Richardson, “…he intends to cut government workers and to use artificial intelligence, or AI, to make budget cuts and to find waste and abuse in the federal government…” The intent is to “use AI coding agents to write software that would, for example, change the way logging in to the government systems works.”. I know just enough about Ai to be very concerned about this.

    I remember the painful times during the COVID pandemic when gradually most Americans knew of someone who had been deeply affected by the virus. It is the same with 47’s tactics – before long we will all know someone whose life has been altered by an executive order. I already know two people in this leaky boat. A person I work with at the International Institute has been furloughed indefinitely and the service she supervised is no longer available to us. Letters advising people to resign from their positions have affected thousands of people and a friend of mine has received his very own copy. 

    Every day it’s the same question, “What has he done today?”. The answers are disturbing at best and terrifying in their implications. Apparently the process for dissolving the Department of Education will soon be an executive order. This can only be done with the assistance of congress. So far the republican majority has fallen in lock-step behind whatever 47 wants. It appears that congress no longer upholds the will of the people, unless those people are MAGA constituents. I have a daughter with a career in public education, so I’ll be asking her what this actually means for her workplace – a public school in Queens, New York. 

    Some higher education institutions are contemplating hiring freezes. To me this comes at a terrible time for my son, who has finished his PhD in Philosophy and is searching for a University position. This is all personal.

    Then came the ridiculous proposal that the United States should take over and “own” the Gaza strip. This is not a humanitarian gesture. Follow the money, as 47 decides to build the “middle eastern riviera” along the shores of Gaza. In his deluded mind, he can build his ugly gold buildings up and down the coast. And the Palestinian people? Who cares? Send them to some other country to live. They are expendable, as many of us Americans will soon be. 

    I try to avoid hyperbole when I can. But writing about 47 and his minions feels like one grand conspiracy theory that is actually becoming real. Oddly, as I listen to Tracy Chapman this morning, and write these words that are disturbing to me, she is singing her song called, “Talking about a revolution”. It is an anthem for people to rise up and take what is ours. This is what will be needed in the coming months and years. 

    I believe that 47’s whole point is to throw so much at us that we will soon become inured, hardened by frequent exposure, especially to something bad. It will take an iron will on my part not to cave. I hope you will join me in the search for appropriate countermeasures. Now Tracy is singing, “Stand by me”. “No I won’t be afraid just as long as you stand by me.”. 

  • lynnmurphymark

    03/01/2025

    Today’s blog

    Lynn Murphy Mark

    The Ugly American

    In 1958, a book with this title was published. Written by Eugene Burdick and William Lederer, it was a non-fiction account of the failings of the US diplomatic corps due to innate arrogance of the staff, along with a failure to understand the local culture. It became a best seller and occupied a space on a bookshelf in our house. 

    We were living in Mexico City at the time. We did a fair amount of traveling to different sites in Mexico and were exposed to the antics of many North American tourists. These observations are what caused my mom to explain why there was a book with a title about the  bad behavior of US tourists visiting a “foreign” country. These people stood out at restaurants and tourist spots by their loud talking and laughing and their demeaning behavior toward the “locals”. By 1958 we were well established residents of this beautiful country and its gracious people. We felt as much a part of this culture as we possibly could.

    Yesterday at lunch with my nursing school friends a good deal of discussion was held about the current administration. The main point of dismay and disgust came when Nancy told us what she had witnessed on TV about the disastrous meeting with President Zelenskyy in the oval office. Both 47 and sidekick (the elusive vice president) verbally and angrily attacked the president of one of our allies. As she was describing what happened she said we wouldn’t miss it because it would go viral and be featured on every TV station. Those of us who hadn’t witnessed the display of bad behavior were sure it couldn’t have been as bad as she was describing.

    But it was. Watching rabid dogs attack a formal visitor to our country is perhaps the best display of ugly Americans at work I have ever seen. Adding to the disaster was the ignorant reporter who asked why President Zelenskyy doesn’t wear a suit, and asked if he even owns a suit. The response he got from Zelenskyy was classic – words to the effect that he would wear a costume when his war torn country wins its war against the Russian invaders.

    I watched this fiasco several times because every channel I tuned to was showing it. I was so shocked by it that I felt tears forming, tears for the current state of our country. The hostility and insulting behavior that sidekick demonstrated in a recent trip to Europe was nothing compared to yesterday’s outburst. President Zelenskyy was honest about his opinion that trusting Putin is a mistake. This infuriated 47, that anyone would question his bromance with Russia’s Criminal in Chief. 

    47 was off and running about witch hunts and many of his previous grievances that he can’t seem to get over. Then he chastised Ukraine’s president for not being grateful and respectful towards the United States. By this time my friend Vicki had texted, “OMG: Trump and Zelenskyy”. There wasn’t much to say in response except to text that it was horrifying and embarrassing.

    Of course 47 is now being praised by his sycophants for taking a strong stand against our ally. News media this morning are saying that it is altogether possible that any further support for Ukraine can be canceled. Congress has appropriated about $3.85 billion of withdrawals from Pentagon stockpile of weapons, earmarked for Ukraine, but we have already witnessed what 47 does when he freezes funds. 

    Demands that Zelenskyy apologize for his role in the outburst are being made. To his credit he has thus far refused to apologize, only saying that he came to the US to discuss peace talks. “We want peace.”, he said. “That’s why I came to the United States and visited President Trump.” In turn 47 said Zelenskyy can come back when he is ready for peace. 

    I am sad for my country this morning. 

  • lynnmurphymark

    02/28/2025

    Today’s blog

    Lynn Murphy Mark

    Two for the good guys

    On my caseload at work are at least 10 people with citizenship applications. They are not necessarily straight forward, easy cases. Applying for citizenship can be fairly easy to manage for an individual who has internet connection and can follow sometimes confusing directions. Sometimes, though, it is good to have help. My cases usually have  complicating factors or two that are not insurmountable, but it’s good to have some experience in these things.

    Yesterday I was at the USCIS office with a client who was scheduled for a naturalization interview. I met him in the waiting room and when we shook hands he apologized for his sweaty palms, signs of the anxiety that he was feeling. I have worked with him for over a year and spent a fair amount of time via phone and email assuring him that we will work through the problem that most concerns him and that he is definitely eligible to apply for citizenship.

    My client came here as a young man on a tourist’s visa. So, he entered the USA legally and was examined at the border and allowed to enter. He did stay on after his visa expired because a family member was filing for a green card for him. However, one day he was stopped for a broken tail light. When he couldn’t provide proof that he was a citizen or had his green card, he was arrested and taken before an immigration judge. He was quickly deported back to Mexico and told he would have to wait three years before he could enter again.

    As a teenager, then, he waited in Ciudad Juarez for three years while his family here pursued his green card application. After three years he went to the consulate and was granted permission to re-enter and got his green card. From that time on he has been terrified that he will be deported again. He has lived a “clean” life, working and sending money home to Mexico. He has been at his job for over 12 years. Finally he decided to apply to be a citizen which is why we have a relationship. Long story short, he did well at the interview, we answered all of the officer’s questions about his deportation, and she approved him for an Oath Ceremony in the near future. My client could not help himself – he kept thanking me and giving me hugs. And off to work he went. I think I’ll probably get him back as a client when he applies for his wife and children to migrate to the USA.

    My other case is a teenager who was adopted from Lesotho, Africa. The adoptive parents gamed the system and did not follow protocol. Nevertheless they were allowed to adopt him, but instead of being granted citizenship when he arrived he was given a Green Card.

    His childhood was troubled because the adoptive parents should never have used the word, “parent”. He eventually was placed in foster care. 

    When his green card needed to be renewed, I got his case. It took over a year and a half to get his renewal. Last October he turned 18 and eligible to apply for citizenship. His case manager called me and asked if I would help him do this. It’s taken another year to get to the interview stage. His interview was rocky because the officer insisted that he had to already be a citizen and would not approve him for an oath ceremony, even though he flew through the interview and passed all the tests. She would not accept the explanation about why he only has a green card. She insisted she was right and we left the interview advised that we would get a letter with options – options that she would not share with us at the time. I sent in a long letter pleading our case and asking that the decision be reconsidered.

    Weeks later I kept checking the internet “Case Status” site. Finally a letter came through that he was denied citizenship and that a follow up letter would be coming. Weeks later, no letter. Yesterday before I left for my appointment at USCIS I decided to check the status site again. Through some miracle – really, it’s a miracle – the new status report says he will be scheduled for an oath ceremony in the near future. Someone had finally reviewed the case, realized the mistake that the officer made, and created a positive ending.

    There you have it. We will soon receive two young men into our midst as full-fledged citizens of the United States. I hope I’m able to attend their ceremonies.

  • lynnmurphymark

    Today’s blog

    Lynn Murphy Mark

    Immigration 101

    Yesterday I was invited to speak to a small group of people from a coalition of 4 UCC churches who are exploring several social/political issues. Their goal is to formulate an outreach plan to carry out the mission, as I understood it, of responding to “the least of these”. The exact words are from Matthew 25:40, “Whatever you did for the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” Jesus’s words and actions showed us what our responsibilities are to fellow travelers. If these words are not lived out in a church’s mission and values, the implication may be that it is not following the way of life that Jesus taught about.

    The group identified immigration as one of the areas they need to learn more about. A member of the congregation happens to be a woman that I went to nursing school with lo those many years ago. After we graduated she asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. Over the years we lost touch, but reconnected last year when some of us tried to find as many Deaconettes as we could. We got together for lunch, and Nancy and I have been communicating since then. 

    Some months ago she asked me to speak about immigration at one of their meetings. Yesterday was the day, so I traveled to Florissant and found The Church of the Master. I was greeted warmly by the pastor and the members of the committee. There was a pot of good, strong coffee and some baked goods. After all, most churches thrive on providing food for many an occasion. I helped myself to a big cup of coffee and even added a splash of half and half to celebrate.

    I introduced myself and recounted the story of my change from a nursing career to that of an immigration law paralegal. For the next two hours I spoke about the realities of immigration law practice – mostly about what can be done for people who reach our shores and borders, as well as the limitations of our broken system. They asked questions and I told stories about my clients. I explained that we do work to get people their citizenship. Once they become citizens, many of our clients want to petition for family members left behind in their country of origin. We also do that very labor intensive work. We help qualified people get their green cards. We help refugees, and people who are seeking a variety of immigration benefits. Many of our clients are victims of crime and domestic violence.

    I tried to get across the complexities of immigration law. We talked about what we might expect after the inauguration on January 20. They expressed great concern for what the future may hold for immigrants. They asked what we say to our clients some of whom are on the verge of panic regarding what 47 and his minions have in mind. I read them an email from a family, begging for information on what to expect. “What do you say to them?”, was the next logical question. At this point it is difficult to predict the difference between 47’s rhetoric and what he may actually  accomplish. We tell people that we will protect them to the extent of existing law. But if his last administration is any guide, we expect as many changes as he can orchestrate with presidential commands that bypass congress. We tell our people that we don’t know exactly what the plans are, and we won’t know until after January 20. These are not the answers that reassure our clients, but they are the best we have right now.

    They asked how they might support our immigrant communities. I told them about our supply room at Legal Services that is managed by the Social Workers. It is full of infant care items, personal hygiene items, food, cleaning supplies – things we take for granted that are sometimes beyond the reach of our clients. One woman asked if we preferred gifts of goods, or contributions of money.  My answer is that both of these things are welcomed and appreciated and put to good use immediately.

    We talked about the other services that Legal Services of Eastern Missouri offers: housing law, elder law, education law, public benefits, microenterprise support, family law that concentrates of victims of crime and domestic violence. I am always proud to talk about my employer and its many, many initiatives to work with “the least of these” precious people.

  • lynnmurphymark

    02/26/2025

    Today’s blog

    Lynn Murphy Mark

    One is silver and the other gold

    As a kid in Mexico City, I joined a Brownie troop run by some of the other “American” moms also living overseas. After Brownies came Girl Guides, or Guias, as we were known then. That meant we were officially Girl Scouts but using the original title that Robert Baden Powell gave to this movement. We learned songs, one of which was about friends and how to treat them – whether they were new friends or old companions. “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold”.

    Growing up overseas meant that the definition of “family” changed to include the fellow travelers with whom we lived, in someone else’s country. Biological family members were remote people who we visited every three years for several months of what was called Home Leave. As a friend of mine said once, my DNA was in Indiana and Oklahoma, but my  practical family was made of people who started as strangers and became friends. I had several people that I called Aunt and Uncle, adults who were close to my parents work-wise and socially. 

    My mother was a decided introvert, but she could make friends like nobody’s business. Now, this was the 1950’s and 1960’s and wives who lived overseas were stay at home moms. There were lots of bridge dates among those women. I was always impressed by the seriousness with which they played the game. But despite the intensity of bidding and the strategy of card lay-downs, there were plenty of whoops of good laughter to be heard. I believe it was that laughter that bound them together. 

    This is where I learned that friendships are essential to a happy life. Living overseas, I learned to bloom where I was planted. Because our parents were a close knit group, we kids followed their lead and made friends with the other kids. My closest childhood friends were Linda Carlson and Jimmy Clark. Our friendships were frequently tested when families would get transferred out of the country to work in another overseas assignment. We were sent to Brazil when I was 12 and had to start over creating a community.

    Brazil is where I met my current oldest friend. We were in high school together, went our separate ways for college, and stayed in occasional contact over the years. I remember that leaving her was especially painful because I cared deeply for her. Anyway, fast forward many decades to New Mexico when we lived in Santa Fe. My friend and her partner were getting ready to move to Albuquerque. The prospect of being close to her again was delightful to me. Except when Jan became intolerant of the altitude in Santa Fe and moved to Naples, Florida, we had to say goodbye again. Every time I go to New Mexico I make a date to meet up and we continue where we left off. 

    In 1970 I graduated from college and moved to Saint Louis for nursing school at what was then Deaconess Hospital, on the edge of Forest Park. The bonds created during our intense training years still exist. This week I’m going to lunch with four other women who call ourselves “the Deaconettes”. Now we are in our 70’s with a lot of our own histories, but we still crack ourselves up relating the same stories of our adventures, some of which involve bedpans and wheelchairs and fried chicken at McDermott’s tavern down the street.

    Having lived in Saint Louis most of my adult life I have formed special friendships that are solid and wonderful and absolutely soul affirming. My Anam Cara. (Irish for “soul friend”), Rose, is responsible for much of my spiritual journey and growth. She is the kind of friend who can call me on any BS that I may subject her to and I learn a lesson from it. 

    So many friends were made as I worked in various nursing settings. Katie entered and never left. We live apart, but every day we Wordle and text each other. Katie has been such a good friend over the years that I will never be able to fully return the favor. 

    When we left New Mexico, we left behind an amazing tribe of women who are absolutely committed to each other. When one is ill, or affected deeply and is sorrowful, the women form an instant support group. I try to make a pilgrimage to Santa Fe every year to reconnect with as many of them as possible. My friend, Sheila, and I have co-written a book. We have the kind of friendship where laughter is a predominant feature.

    Today I am going to lunch with two friends who worked with me at Saint Mary’s in the 80’s and 90’s. We weathered some rough times as we worked to improve the psychiatric and chemical dependency programs at three facilities. We have been tightly bonded ever since.

    What I know about friendships is that they are based in love, care, and laughter. I cannot imagine life without them.

  • lynnmurphymark

    02/25/2025

    Today’s blog

    Lynn Murphy Mark

    12 Step Life

    “Energy follows thought”, is a line from a Willie Nelson song. I listened to the whole song, posted by a friend on FaceBook. I’ve said before that I get a lot out of my facebook ramblings, some really wise stuff posted by my really wise friends.

    So, what about these words, “Energy follows thought”? Today they make me think about step six. The step says we are “entirely ready to have God remove all our defects of character”. Here’s the part that gets me every time – what does it mean to be entirely ready? I think if I really understood everything behind that phrase I’d be farther along in my recovery. 

    But, I remember when I quit smoking. Just so you know how significant that was, it was April 15, 2011, at 7:01 am when I  smoked my last cigarette. I remember that as clearly as I remember the births of my two children. By the time I quit, I had to have become Entirely Ready. And that was a process that took months, if not years. I tried many times to quit – once I quit for 17 years. When I started working in Hospice I started smoking again – falling back on the one thing that seemed like a solution to the stress of this holy work. I know that sounds crazy, but my addictions don’t usually make sense.

    Anyway, before I quit I thought about it a lot. I visualized my life without the frequent smoke breaks and that thought scared me at first. But I kept thinking about it, no smoke breaks, no inhaling the source of my peace of mind, and then, yes, but no more shortness of breath or cough, no more spending a fortune on cigarettes, more peace at home since my partner hated my smoking. Pretty soon, the benefits outweighed the behaviors. Finally I could visualize me as a non-smoker, and that is when the Energy to quit followed the Thoughts that had plagued me about this particular addiction. Since then I have not smoked another cigarette, although I have thought about it and stared longingly at the packs of smokes on display in gas stations and at Walgreens. 

    In my other 12 Step meeting I read this statement in some literature. “We are powerless but not helpless”. That struck me as a most important thought to keep utmost in my mind. To get entirely ready to admit my greatest addiction. I have had to become entirely ready to deal with it. I have had to do some heavy thinking about making the changes necessary for my recovery. At this point I am Entirely Ready to declare myself a compulsive overeater who indulges in compulsive food behaviors. The evidence is there through my years of struggles to “control” my eating patterns and behaviors. And here goes my version of a drunk-a-log. It’s true confession time. I have tried a number of diets, paid money to NOOM and Weight Watchers and a liquid diet program, and I have been “successful” for a short time before falling back into my compulsive behaviors. I have hoarded food, hidden food, eaten in my car, waited for people to leave me alone in the house and then binged, sneaked food, eaten large portions and gone back for seconds, gone out to eat and made very poor choices, fooled myself into thinking that I could eat like my “normal eater” friends do on occasion, given myself permission to buy candy bars at the store and then eaten them while driving home. There’s more, I’m sure, but just this description of my lack of control over such behaviors is enough to convince me that I have a serious illness.

    Energy follows Thought. Left to my own thoughts I find all kinds of reasons not to follow through on what I know needs to happen. That is why this program -these programs – and these meetings, and these safe places are so critical to my ability to make any positive changes. I listen to other people speak their truths and realize every time that I am not alone and that change is always possible.

    Energy follows Thought. I find this to be absolutely true in my spiritual development as well. I belong to a spiritual community that believes this wise little nugget: “Thoughts in mind reproduce in kind.” That is so true for me. If I let my mind absorb my negative self-talk I begin to think of it as truth. Before long the behaviors that I know are dangerous, and danger suddenly becomes a friend. By the time this happens, I am half way down the slippery slope and on my way to relapse. This is true both for my substance addiction and my control addiction.  

    These deadly thoughts can easily morph into reasonable choices in my mind were it not for the guidance of my Higher Power. Through the energy of this program I am much better prepared to say, “Get thee behind me, Satan”.( I looked up the meaning of this verse from the Bible. It is: “Do not tempt or torment me, I reject you, your statements, or your beliefs.”)

    Without the wisdom of this program I wouldn’t be able to distinguish between healthy thoughts and the thoughts that my addictions whisper to me. I would lose track of the relationship that I have with an authentic Higher Power. Instead, I have seen so many places where my Higher Power lives, including in my own heart space, but mostly all around me, in these rooms,  when my eyes and ears are truly open. 

    To become entirely ready is one of the actions of the 12 steps, actions that are meant to carry each of us to our personal version of recovery. I remember that someone once said, “I didn’t say it would be easy, but I did say it would be worth it.” 

  • 02/24/2025 Today’s blog Lynn Murphy Mark

    lynnmurphymark

    A recovery story

    In another meeting this week we read step 7 in the AlAnon 12 and 12.  Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. As I listened to the reading and the shares it occurred to me that most of my life I have considered it humiliating – not humble – to have to ask for help. As an only child in an alcoholic home the lesson I learned was that I was to solve my problems myself and I was not to speak of them to anyone. Anything else was seen as weakness or betrayal. The biggest problem – my dad’s alcoholism – was never to be shared with anyone. My mom and I were close guardians of what surely was not a secret among our friends and family. But, nevertheless, the shame of our living situation ran deep and we went to great lengths to present happy faces outside of the house. 

    The message was clear. Keep problems on the down low. Don’t break the code by asking for help. Our Higher Power then was Secrecy and with it a desperate attempt to appear “normal”.

    I am a lot older now. In my recovery journey I identify old patterns of behavior from childhood that no longer serve me. I don’t dismiss or diminish the truth of what happened that shaped a lot of my own dysfunctional behaviors. But I realize that I no longer need those old stories to dictate how I live. But, sometimes I struggle with what to do with some of them when they have lived in my head for decades?

    In many ways, the stories are my shortcomings. I give them life when I act on them and they in turn take away little pieces of my life. Some of them allowed me to survive. For example, one thing I learned was to avoid the conflict going on around me by withdrawing from it, putting my head in the sand until it was over. That might have been self-protective as a child, but it also means that, as an adult, problems don’t get addressed or solved. AL anon has helped me face conflict by learning to look for the big picture, figuring out where my responsibility lies, and addressing it as it is happening. 

    One of the greatest childhood coping mechanisms became a food addiction that still plagues me today. As a child I learned that food would soothe me and my fear would diminish if not go away all together when I overate. One night when I was 8 or so, my mom was trying to explain how Pop had a problem drinking alcohol and was an alcoholic. When she finished I remember telling her that I understood Pop because I was a foodaholic. That’s all I remember from that encounter with the truth.

     That story is still alive in my memory, and I still choose to reach for the comfort found in food. The shortcoming here is that I do not reach out to God or to others when I know it would be a smart and healthy choice to do so, to admit that I am obsessing about food, to ask for help. When I refuse to use these tools, I am placing myself above God and above other people. I am still trying to keep that shameful secret to myself. Some six decades later there are times when I still rely on my addiction. Sometimes I am able to talk about it with my sponsor and my program friends. I know it is obvious to others. To be perfectly honest, my size gives away my so-called secret.

    Since the Monday meeting I have thought a lot about my next move. I think it is to start with step six: to become entirely ready to have God remove this shame-based defect of character. Willingness is the key to begin with. Identifying the defect honestly comes next. Revealing  the defect  that is currently troubling me to my sponsor or a trusted program friend has to be a part of the plan. Then I have a chance of becoming entirely ready. When I get to step seven my plan is to trust that my Higher Power, God, will gladly remove the old story and the old way of coping if I will just ask that this be so.

    It would serve me well to ask God’s help in managing any act of self will run riot. When I am in my healthy place I do ask God to intervene when I trip over an old behavior. But bringing myself to pick up that phone and reach out? That’s when fear and shame take over. 

    So, two words strike me and they are FEAR and TRUST. I think it was FDR who said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Fear keeps me stuck in the old cycle, while Trust opens all kinds of doors to healing and wholeness. AlAnon is teaching me that trust is essential – and I absolutely trust this program, the people who are my fellow travelers on this road, and the wisdom around these tables. 

    Recently I found this quotation that has resonated with me over and over. It is by a Zen Buddhist monk, Claude AnShin Thomas. Its words hold a key for me: 

    But I’m not special, you know. You can do this, too. You can face your own sorrow, your own wounds. You can stop wanting some other life, some other past, some other reality. You can stop fighting against the truth of yourself and, breathing in and breathing out, open to your own experience. You can just feel whatever is there, exploring it, until you also discover the liberation that comes with stopping the struggle and becoming fully present in your own life. This is the real path to peace and freedom. You could do this for yourself; you could do this for your family. Our whole world will benefit. 

    Thank you for the opportunity to speak this morning.