A recovery story

In another meeting this week we read step 7 in the AlAnon 12 and 12.  Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. As I listened to the reading and the shares it occurred to me that most of my life I have considered it humiliating – not humble – to have to ask for help. As an only child in an alcoholic home the lesson I learned was that I was to solve my problems myself and I was not to speak of them to anyone. Anything else was seen as weakness or betrayal. The biggest problem – my dad’s alcoholism – was never to be shared with anyone. My mom and I were close guardians of what surely was not a secret among our friends and family. But, nevertheless, the shame of our living situation ran deep and we went to great lengths to present happy faces outside of the house. 

The message was clear. Keep problems on the down low. Don’t break the code by asking for help. Our Higher Power then was Secrecy and with it a desperate attempt to appear “normal”.

I am a lot older now. In my recovery journey I identify old patterns of behavior from childhood that no longer serve me. I don’t dismiss or diminish the truth of what happened that shaped a lot of my own dysfunctional behaviors. But I realize that I no longer need those old stories to dictate how I live. But, sometimes I struggle with what to do with some of them when they have lived in my head for decades?

In many ways, the stories are my shortcomings. I give them life when I act on them and they in turn take away little pieces of my life. Some of them allowed me to survive. For example, one thing I learned was to avoid the conflict going on around me by withdrawing from it, putting my head in the sand until it was over. That might have been self-protective as a child, but it also means that, as an adult, problems don’t get addressed or solved. AL anon has helped me face conflict by learning to look for the big picture, figuring out where my responsibility lies, and addressing it as it is happening. 

One of the greatest childhood coping mechanisms became a food addiction that still plagues me today. As a child I learned that food would soothe me and my fear would diminish if not go away all together when I overate. One night when I was 8 or so, my mom was trying to explain how Pop had a problem drinking alcohol and was an alcoholic. When she finished I remember telling her that I understood Pop because I was a foodaholic. That’s all I remember from that encounter with the truth.

 That story is still alive in my memory, and I still choose to reach for the comfort found in food. The shortcoming here is that I do not reach out to God or to others when I know it would be a smart and healthy choice to do so, to admit that I am obsessing about food, to ask for help. When I refuse to use these tools, I am placing myself above God and above other people. I am still trying to keep that shameful secret to myself. Some six decades later there are times when I still rely on my addiction. Sometimes I am able to talk about it with my sponsor and my program friends. I know it is obvious to others. To be perfectly honest, my size gives away my so-called secret.

Since the Monday meeting I have thought a lot about my next move. I think it is to start with step six: to become entirely ready to have God remove this shame-based defect of character. Willingness is the key to begin with. Identifying the defect honestly comes next. Revealing  the defect  that is currently troubling me to my sponsor or a trusted program friend has to be a part of the plan. Then I have a chance of becoming entirely ready. When I get to step seven my plan is to trust that my Higher Power, God, will gladly remove the old story and the old way of coping if I will just ask that this be so.

It would serve me well to ask God’s help in managing any act of self will run riot. When I am in my healthy place I do ask God to intervene when I trip over an old behavior. But bringing myself to pick up that phone and reach out? That’s when fear and shame take over. 

So, two words strike me and they are FEAR and TRUST. I think it was FDR who said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Fear keeps me stuck in the old cycle, while Trust opens all kinds of doors to healing and wholeness. AlAnon is teaching me that trust is essential – and I absolutely trust this program, the people who are my fellow travelers on this road, and the wisdom around these tables. 

Recently I found this quotation that has resonated with me over and over. It is by a Zen Buddhist monk, Claude AnShin Thomas. Its words hold a key for me: 

But I’m not special, you know. You can do this, too. You can face your own sorrow, your own wounds. You can stop wanting some other life, some other past, some other reality. You can stop fighting against the truth of yourself and, breathing in and breathing out, open to your own experience. You can just feel whatever is there, exploring it, until you also discover the liberation that comes with stopping the struggle and becoming fully present in your own life. This is the real path to peace and freedom. You could do this for yourself; you could do this for your family. Our whole world will benefit. 

Thank you for the opportunity to speak this morning.